I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
