hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
