wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
