you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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