I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
