Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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