I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
