just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
