We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
