I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
