So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
