so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
