Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
