he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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