I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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