I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
