omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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