God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
