Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
