Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
