just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
