FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
