its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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