We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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