who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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