I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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