I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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