he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So gin and wine won't be happening again
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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