dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
