alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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