Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
