Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Randomize
