Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
