If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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