no, he came in my armpit
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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