i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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