A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i drank out of a bidet.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
