WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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