he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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