last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
