he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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