so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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