If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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