just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
