The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
