the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
