Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
