I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
