apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
