Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
