if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
