Three words: puerto rican gang bang
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
